


(past, present, future) was it always you? (swimming in the messes I create)

by imaginedecember



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: M/M, accidental boyfriends is the best
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-20
Updated: 2013-12-20
Packaged: 2018-01-05 07:12:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1091076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imaginedecember/pseuds/imaginedecember
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ray Narvaez Jr. comes home to find that his apartment is flooded. Left without any real choice as to who to stay with, Ray allows Joel to take him in but soon it becomes clear that his apartment flooding may have just have been the perfect catalyst.</p>
            </blockquote>





	(past, present, future) was it always you? (swimming in the messes I create)

**Author's Note:**

> This story could not have been made if it was not for ggoeff on tumblr and her prompt [here](http://ggoeff.tumblr.com/post/66170830724/someone-write-this-for-me-because-i-cant). Because she wrote part of the beginning before asking for someone else to write it, I added in what she wrote. What she wrote is solely the beginning and it is in italics. What I added in is not in italics. This story is entirely her idea. Every bit of it is credited to her. Without her and her ideas, this story would not have been possible so do not thank me but thank her for her idea and everything really.

_Ray had spent two weeks in New York for the holidays. At first it was a sort of blissful vacation away from Rooster Teeth, spending time with his family and nearly long lost friends. They went out as much as they could, visiting his favorite places and doing last minute shopping for the relatives Ray hadn’t known would be in town. He cursed the snow, skidding around in his cargo shorts while his mother scolded him about not packing for the inevitable weather. At the countless family dinners they put on, he ducked out of noogies from his cousins and cheek pinches from his aunts. In fact, Ray spent a lot of time trying to find space to breathe on his own, because going from a year without seeing his parents to suddenly being introduced to his cousin twice removed on his father’s side was a little overwhelming._

_By the end of the two weeks, Ray couldn’t wait to get back to Austin. He wanted to be able to bask in the sun again and sit in his living room at 2 AM wearing only his underwear if he felt like it. He also missed his friends and it seemed like the feelings were returned, mostly in the form of text messages from Michael telling him to get his ass back home (get back here man. fuckin grabbin is destroying the office). It was a little bittersweet to be leaving New York since it was his home home, after all, but there was something reliable and comforting about Texas. Maybe it was the near constant heat or the routine Ray had carved out for himself by working at Rooster Teeth. Either way, he was excited to get back and return to his normal life._

_There was a little problem with his hopes, though, because when Ray did finally reach Austin, four days after New Year’s Eve, two things were different: he’d gotten an unfortunate haircut and his apartment was flooded._

_It was in the early hours of the morning when Ray had caught a taxi back to his apartment complex only to find most of the doors on his floor covered in caution tape with notices pinned to them - including his own. Ray groaned aloud when he ripped the paper off his door, finding out that a major pipe had burst on the floor above, not only flooding a few apartments there, but soaking nearly the entire floor below. His floor, of course. It would explain the soppy carpet in the hall._

_Ray idled for a minute, finally turning on his phone from having it off during the flight as he wheeled his suitcase back down the hall. There were a couple messages from his landlord, sending his condolences about the apartment and any of the things that were destroyed by the flood. In the end Ray found out that the pipe had burst the day before he left New York and everyone whose apartments were severely damaged had to leave as soon as possible, finding places on their own to stay until the damage was taken care of. It was an estimated three weeks before everyone’s apartments would be livable again with all the pipes checked and fixed. And that was just the minimum._

_That was how Ray found himself at work first on Wednesday morning, his hood pulled up to hide the botched job of a mohawk his brother had attempted, with his suitcase by his side._

_It wasn’t quite five am and Ray was standing in the office kitchen, glaring at the coffee pot as he held back yawns and tried to come up with some form of a plan for the next couple of weeks. His brain was barely functioning though, still shaking off sleep from the red eye flight and trying to stamp down the nervous anger over his flooded apartment. (The fact that it was actually no one’s fault made it even that much harder for Ray to stomach.) The first step would be finding someone to stay with, but as far as he knew, a lot of his friends and coworkers were still out of town for their own holiday trips and he didn’t want to bother anyone at this hour._

_Letting out a slow groan, Ray slouched forward towards the counter, his elbows hitting the hard surface as he covered his face. He slid his fingers up under his glasses to rub at his eyes, listening as the coffee maker kicked on and let out soft rumbles and spitting noises, signifying that he’d at least had some caffeine in his system soon._

_"Ray? What are you doing here so early?"_

_Ray frowned and straightened up, turning to spot Joel standing just inside the edge of kitchen. His eyes were squinty, as if trying to process the situation, and his hair was a bit of a mess. It made Ray glance back at the clock on the microwave to try and figure out why Joel was here so early._

_Ray shrugged, “My flight got in early, so I figured that I’d just head in to work early. Nose to the grindstone and all that, right?”_

_Joel stood still, looking unconvinced and considering_ in that odd squinting and twitching way of his and _Ray was tempted to sidestep in front of his own suitcase, because who the fuck goes into work with their bag of dirty clothes? Shaking his head a little to himself, Ray started to go back through his minimal list of friends trying to think of someone he could stay with._

Everyone on the list had their own problems. With Ryan’s new kid, Ray cannot even begin to imagine asking him for help and with Gavin and Geoff on some pseudo-family vacation and Michael engaged, he truly had no one of comfort to ask anyway. He wondered if he could sleep at the office. Several other people had done it. Marshall had been living there when he was mostly homeless. Certainly there would be no problem but then he had to ask Burnie for permission and Burnie was gone for the holiday too (or too hungover or drunk to answer, either one).

_"Okay, bu —" Joel was cut off by the sharp beeping of the coffee maker and in an instant it was like his train of thought was ruined. He perked up a little, glancing around Ray to point at the freshly brewed coffee. "Do you mind if I?"_

_"No, yeah, go for it." Ray brushed off quickly, a little relieved as he turned to grab mugs from the cabinets and Joel went to the fridge for the half and half._

Setting the two mugs on the counter, Ray watched Joel out of the corner of his eye. Kicking the suitcase so it leaned against the cabinets more, Ray slumped forward to try and hide the most obvious object in the universe.

He never really talked to Joel, only on rare occasions when coffee was a must or when there was a company party. He was not too sure if Joel would be the kind of person to be blunt with his observations or to forget about them.

“So, that suitcase you have looks pretty full. You didn’t unpack yet?” Joel spoke over the sound of the whirring coffee machine. The half and half clutched tightly in his hands sloshed back and forth as he shook it as a way to center his thoughts. His hidden question was glaring at Ray, matching that squinty expression of Joel’s that spoke volumes of his blunt curiosity.

“No, not yet. Too eager I guess. I’ve got some guides that need worked on and they’re all Call of Duty. Didn’t want to piss my pants waiting too long to get my hands on it,” Ray said. His humor was too dry, sticking in his throat and leaving him begging for that coffee so the conversation can be ended before Joel’s questions could be asked.

“Too bad Call of Duty didn’t come out yet.”

And that was Ray’s cue for taking his suitcase and bolting out of the kitchen. Screw the caffeine and his stupid apartment and the goddamn flooding and Joel’s fucking inquisitive stare that could make the worst of criminals cave.

“You know, typically I’m the one freaking out,” Joel added as he grabbed Ray’s wrist before the boy could vanish completely from his sight. “Now, how much half and half do you want?” When Ray was stuttering and not answering him, Joel sighed. His hold on Ray’s wrist tightened slightly from his frustrations but he soon let go. The lack of his hold made Ray falter backwards and trip over the wheel of his suitcase. Tumbling to the ground, he squeaked and scrambled for anything to hold on to. Unfortunately his hands decided that he hated him, grabbing not on to the counter or the handle to one of the cabinets but on to the seam of Joel’s jeans.

“Shit, I’m sorry, Joel. Just-.” Ray’s words stuttered to a halt when a steaming mug of fresh coffee was shoved into his line of sight. Scrubbing at his reddened cheeks, Ray growled at himself internally. He really needed to pay more attention. It would make him a better liar that’s for sure.

“Take the cup, Ray, and come with me to my car.” It was spoken as an offer but Ray knew it was a demand. He had no friends to call on at the moment and no excuses sealed with the perfect lie came to him so he took Joel’s offered hand. With the cup of coffee in one hand and Joel’s wrist in the other, he pulled himself up. “It’s the perfect timing too because somebody needs to see my Minecraft world.”

“Of course you’d only take me in as a testament to how amazing you are at Minecraft,” Ray chided. His words were accompanied by an eye roll that made Joel laugh. The older man’s expression brightened as he raised his hands, moving them around wildly.

“This…this is the exact reason, Ray! How’d you know?” Nearly choking on his coffee, Ray shook his head and laughed. Joel smiled more as he heard Ray’s choppy laugh. “See? Keep that smile,” he added, poking at Ray’s cheeks that were still red from his previous embarrassment.

“Okay, okay. Now come on. I wanna see this world you keep bragging about,” Ray spoke. He might as well move what was about to occur further along. The faster he got over the fact that he was going to Joel’s apartment and that he will be with Joel for who knows how long (and that it’s Joel who knew exactly how to make his coffee and that it’s Joel making him laugh and improving his mood and that’s it’s just Joel smiling widely at him and nobody else but Joel was able to come to his aid), the sooner it’d be over.

Dragging his suitcase behind him, Ray sipped at his coffee and listened intently to Joel’s ramblings. He was talking about how hard it was to create everything but how worthwhile it was. Oddly enough, Ray could relate. He wasn’t spectacular in building. Sure, he was good at the games in Minecraft that Geoff and Gavin, and sometimes Lindsay or Ryan, made didn’t mean he had actual talent. He could win a tower but not really create something of worth to even be worthy of it.

But he had a high gamerscore and the years it took to perfect it took a ton of sacrifice and his willingness to play shitty games to increase his score grounded him just as much as building something did with Joel.

“Have you ever built anything, Ray?” Joel asked, pausing mid-sentence as he clicked the unlock button for his car. Opening the back seat door, he grabbed Ray’s forgotten luggage and shoved it inside, being mindful of the expensive leather.

“No. Not a building kind of guy,” Ray answered softly as he opened the passenger door. Shutting it softly behind him, he glanced around the immaculate interior of Joel’s sleek black sports car. Resting his hands on his knees, he resisted the urge to touch everything. The leather was too soft, heated from the early rising sun, and the light from the dashboard was oddly comforting in the way it pulsed a pretty electric blue.

“That’s too bad. Maybe you can help me after I show you. It’s pretty amazing, though. I think you’ll faint in my arms after you see it,” Joel warned as he slid into the driver’s seat. Shutting the door, he turned to the younger boy in his passenger seat.

“Have you seen your arms? I’d break them,” Ray scoffed, crossing his own across his chest. Joel raised one eyebrow at him, his mouth slipping into a smirk.

“And yours are better?” he retaliated. When Ray sunk further into his seat, Joel shook his head and started his car. “You’re too much like a twig. I’m making you dinner.”

Ray’s eyes widened as he scrambled to grab Joel’s arm, effectively stopping him from shifting the car from park into drive.

“You’re not-.”

“I am,” Joel interrupted. Shaking his head, he gripped Ray’s fingers and held them away from his arm. His fingers danced along the skin, poking and stabbing at the bones that he could feel. “Too twigish.”

“That’s not a word and, no, I’m not,” Ray tried but Joel’s answer was final when he pushed his hands away to return to the task of shifting gears and speeding out of the parking lot. “Do you see those signs, Joel? They’re for safety,” he added as he hurriedly snapped his seat belt into place. He could feel the hum of the engine beneath his feet, could feel it rev as Joel slammed his foot against the gas pedal like they were escaping from an exploding building.

“Safety’s for the crazy.” There was something odd in that sentence. Turning his head, Ray watched as Joel’s arms muscles twitched at the force they were exerting on the leather wheel.

“You like some very odd things, Joel,” Ray remarked. “I like some odd things too. You’re not alone,” he added, the words quieter then his previous sentence. When Joel’s muscles relaxed and the speedometer dipped to ten miles above the speed limit, Ray relaxed into his seat.

“Probably takes years for people to understand. Probably why we don’t have many friends,” Joel spoke. Ray could hear the quiet ‘I’ that Joel wanted to replace the ‘we’ with. Shaking his head, he squeezed his hands together before peering at Joel.

“I rather you be odd then normal. Gives a little something to the world, y’know? And if I had my x-ray glasses on, I’d say you were a killer, Joel.”

The sudden lurch of the car and the sharp left turn slammed Ray into the passenger door. Gripping the handle of the door, Ray inhaled deeply and nearly screamed at the older male next to him until he saw his face.

Joel’s smile was wide, bright, something Ray had seen way too many times but this time it was real. It wasn’t slipping into a frown as soon as the joke was done or the words were said or when the person turned away. His eyes were crinkling like they usually did but his eyes were brighter. It made him look younger, those eyes of his. It was like Ray had told Joel that the stocks were doing god-fucking-fantastic and that he was making millions off it.

“Do you always use these pick up lines on the girls you save?” Joel questioned as he turned off the car. Laughing, Ray shook his head.

“Naw, the girls usually see Vav and go running to him.” Joel shook his head as he stepped out of the car. Ray followed suit, gingerly shutting the door and moving a few steps to open the back door. Picking his luggage up from the bottom, he set it on the ground beside him. A hand shutting the door for him startled him.

“Hey, now, Ray, you could get any girl with that line and those looks of yours. Don’t sell yourself too short.” For emphasis on the word ‘short’, Joel ruffled Ray’s shitty hair and leaned his elbow on his shoulder.

“Shut it, Donut,” Ray grumbled, feigning his reddened cheeks out of anger and not a product of another embarrassing moment by shrugging off Joel’s arms and stomping across the parking lot. His plan was shot down, however, when he remembered that he had to drag his suitcase behind him. Joel’s taunting laugh echoed in his ears as he gave up and waited for the older male to open the door of the apartment complex for him.

“You’re something else, Ray. And it’s Caboose,” Joel reminded as he opened the doors, allowing Ray to enter the building first before entering himself. Closing the door behind him, he walked to the elevator. Pressing the up key on the key pad, he turned to Ray and his pouting glare.

“Caboose, Donut, same thing. Still an annoying asshole.” The taunts spilled from Ray’s mouth effortlessly. It was how their brief conversations in the kitchen or at a party ended with. Sarcastic, sometimes biting, retorts back and forth until they stared at each other with narrowed eyes and a challenging stance.

Then one of them would laugh, usually Joel (he was too spastic not to change emotions at the flip of a switch), and they would move on to other topics, usually video games and sometimes boring things like football games or stocks. As soon as Joel got too heated in a topic, Ray would mention food or a drink, anything to occupy Joel’s mouth so he could shut up for just a few seconds. Then they would be right back at the beginning of the cycle, flicking food at the other or muttering nicknames underneath their breath.

Ray felt like he was back at the beginning of that cycle except Joel had skipped through a few steps and was currently tapping his shoulder repeatedly. Squirming away from him, Ray huffed and threw his hood back on. When he had collided with the passenger door, it had slipped off and he was too busy with shrugging another embarrassing moment off his mind to pull it back up. Hopefully Joel didn’t see.

“I like your…what does your generation call it? A mohawkie thingy?”

Nevermind. Joel noticed.

Curling in on himself, Ray watched as the elevator doors dinged open. Rushing inside, Ray moved to the corner of the elevator and leaned against the wall. Once the doors shut and Joel had pressed the right numbered button, Ray decided to answer.

“It’s called a mohawk and my brother did it. Kinda fell asleep during it,” Ray muttered.

“What did happen to leave you stranded?” Joel questioned next. Scratch that. Joel was just jumbling the steps up. They had gone from insults to poking him to asking normal questions. He wondered what was different about this meeting then the others. Oh, that was right. He was going to be staying with Joel at Joel’s own fucking apartment.

“Flooded apartment. Busted pipe or something.”

“How long?”

And that was when the close proximity of the elevator made Ray want to burst through the walls and fall flat on the ground outside. The air was too thick, too hot for this conversation. He couldn’t idly say how long. He couldn’t insult Joel to distract him or shove food down his throat to make him shut up. He was stuck with that squinted gaze staring him down, calculating and categorizing every twitch he made.

“Currently, three weeks at the minimum.”

Joel simply hummed underneath his breath, turning his gaze from Ray’s twitching form to the elevator doors. Watching them slide open, he stepped out into the empty hallway. Grabbing Ray’s wrist, he pulled the frozen boy and his suitcase with him.

“You can have my bed then. Couch is too stiff for you to be laying on it for three weeks,” Joel offered. His words reverberated harshly against the walls and into Ray’s ears.

“No, I won’t have that. You’re already taking me in and-.” A hand pressing against his cheek made his brain short circuit.

“Ray, you have the bed. It’s fine,” Joel reassured. Releasing Ray’s warm cheek from his hold, he stepped back and stuck the key in the door.

“I’ll make meals then! Or clean or something…,” Ray trailed off, at a sudden loss as to what to do to pay the older man back for being way too gracious (and Joel being gracious was not a step that he was anticipating to come next).

“Fine, fine but you can figure that out tomorrow. It’s still too early and I don’t have work to do,” Joel spoke, throwing his keys on to the kitchen counter as he walked down the hallway to the bedroom.

Shutting the door shut, Ray hesitated before locking it. Turning around, he kicked his shoes off and set them by the door, next to Joel’s tattered ones. Resting his suitcase against the couch in the living room, Ray took in his surroundings.

The space was immaculate. Every little thing had a place and nothing was crooked and the colors matched to an almost painful tee. The only thing that was scattered around the area were torn and folded newspapers on the coffee table and the video games in messy piles on the plush carpet in front of the television.

Running his hands along the fluffy white pillows, Ray picked one up and picked at the frayed pieces of fabric. Glancing at the gray couch, he set the pillow back in its spot. Biting his lip, he wondered if only certain things had their own spot in the apartment and if the things that somehow grounded Joel’s brain were the only things allowed to be messy.

“Just a little to the left,” a voice spoke, startling him. Ray jumped backwards, letting Joel move around the arm of the couch. Leaning it against the armrest, Joel hovered for a few seconds, watching the pillow in case it slipped out of its spot. Once he deemed it secure, he turned to Ray. “You don’t have to-.” But Ray’s smile made his words stutter to a pause.

“It’s fine, Joel.” The affirmation that everything was fine and that Joel had indeed not scared off the younger man soothed Joel’s nerves. The usual response to his need to organize certain things made most people uncomfortable. Even whenever he had Jack over, he would still look at him sadly, not sure how to respond still when Joel made him move from the couch so he could fix the pillows or blankets. Smiling a soft kind of smile, Joel nodded in thanks.

“Minecraft?” he questioned. A faint child-like glee sparked inside his eyes as Ray nodded his head, siting down on the couch cross-legged with a controller already in his hands.

Turning on the television, Joel grabbed his own controller and sat down next to Ray. Not too far away to be rude but at a right distance between the crease in the pillows and Ray’s legs that his heart settled and his brain returned its focus to the whirring xbox.

Pulling up Minecraft, Joel stared at the loading screen. A quiet tapping echoed throughout his ears, breaking his concentration. Turning his head, Joel peered at Ray who was swaying his body back and forth and tapping his fingers against his knee to an unknown tune.

“Do you need music or something?” Joel questioned. Even though the music would break his concentration from Minecraft, he could handle it so long as he did not answer to the urge that screamed at him to build more and more until there was no space left and then to find another world to build in and build that up and…

It was a vicious cycle, his brain.

“No, just I have a song in my head. Gavin and Geoff have been screaming it for ever,” Ray commented, wincing as the pop tune replayed in his head.

“If you need me to play something, then…,” Joel silently offered. Ray’s tapping paused before he was back at it again, his mind trying to supply the missing words to the pop song stuck in his brain. Instead, all he heard was Gavin’s mumbling and Geoff’s squeaky made up additions to the song. Goddamn what was that part?

Ray was almost too lost in the song to hear Joel rise from the couch. Once he heard soft music play through some random dusty speakers in the living room, though, he lifted his head and smiled thankfully, if albeit embarrassingly, at the older man.

“I don’t have much but if this isn’t fine then I can play something else. But I figured you needed something and-.”

“Joel, hey it’s all good. Thanks, though. I really didn’t want to hear ‘I wanna be your boyfriend’ anyway.”

One more confirmation.

Joel’s hands paused over the speakers, poking at the dust with the tips of his nails before he glanced back at the now fully loaded Minecraft screen. Best not to question it just in case Ray ended up screaming at him.

Sitting back on the couch, Joel forgot entirely that there had to be a certain space in between him and the crease of the couch cushions. He forgot where he even was for a second before a hand landed on his bicep.

Ray’s hands were smaller then his, oddly small for a man’s but they curled almost expertly over his bicep as if they fit there. Or were meant to fit there.

“Hey, everything’s truly fine, Joel. No need to freak, ‘kay? Now, how about you show me that world of yours.” When Ray’s sentence was finished, he retracted his hand and returned it to his knee to tap out the new tune playing from the speakers.

Joel stared at the space where Ray’s hands were for a few seconds before grabbing the controller he had set on the coffee table. Entering his world through creative mode, he waited for the world to load before switching his character to flying mode.

And Ray, well, he was now distracted too. After calming Joel down, or what he hoped was calming, he had saw Joel’s hands grabbing the controller. It was a simple action but Ray ended up wholeheartedly distracted by the hands cradling the plastic device.

Joel’s hands were gripping the controller in a way where the ends dug into his palms, the sheer size of his palm enough to cover the whole controller if laid flat on top of it. They curved over the device in such a way that it left his index finger and thumbs room to press into the various buttons.

The tendons and muscles used to move his index finger flexed beneath the skin. Ray’s own hands twitched at the thought of even holding those hands in his own and how it would feel to have that index finger flex and move along his skin. It should have been illegal for hands to look so strong, to have them be crafted by such big bones and rough callouses.

"Ray, you’re not looking." The pout laced inside those words made Ray snap his gaze from Joel to the television screen. What he saw on the screen made him nearly choke on his own spit.

"Holy shit, Joel," he managed to say as he took in the surrounding area in Joel’s Minecraft world. "How big is this thing?"

Chuckling, Joel moved his character around throughout the air until he landed beside Ray’s character whom was merely standing and staring at the front gate to the world.

"It takes up a big part of the map." Grabbing his map from the innovatory, Joel pulled up the map and showed Ray.

“A big part? This is the whole center! And the rest of it is just tiny islands and water…jesus, is this what you do when the stocks are down?” Joel’s pout slipped further down his lips as he inched closer to the younger boy, nudging him gingerly with his shoulder.

“You can go in you know,” Joel reminded quietly. Ray blushed slightly before entering the front gate to the kingdom beyond. He had been too busy taking in every block and gate that Joel had made. Even the area around the gate was lavished with flowers of every kind, even roses, which made Ray feel slightly more at home.

“I think…there’s no way a human could possibly do this,” Ray gaped as he stared at the high towers looming over his character. The towers were made out of various woods and stone materials and each tower had various cut outs for glass windows. Torches lined the edges of the towers and the grass platforms that were like little courtyards. There was even a lake area that all Ray wanted to do was splash around in it and take in the impossible looking structures.

“Go inside one of the castles,” Joel coaxed, nearly vibrating in excitement as he stumbled over his words as quickly as possible. Ray watched as Joel’s character floated in front of him, leading him up cobblestone steps lined with glowstone torches. Turning left, Ray nearly socked Joel in the face with his controller.

The ceiling was carved into in the middle and surrounded by immensely sized pieces of stone. The stone had pieces of glass covered lava pools that if Ray were to hit with an axe, the lava would come pooling down on top of him. Turning right, Ray enjoyed the open air and larger then life quality of the room as the ceiling rose to various heights. It felt like he was actually inside a castle and he was in the room before the tower.

“And I was thinking that beyond this wall, I could put in a door and it could lead to a garden,” Joel suggested. Ray perked up at that as he watched Joel’s character land in front of him and start hacking a small space into the wall.

“A rose garden?” Ray said hopefully. Joel turned to Ray, smiling as he saw Ray’s eyes glisten in the lighting of the Minecraft screen. Roses would actually add the perfect pop of color to the rich yellows and browns of the glowstone and it would add a unique passion to the lava pooling inside glass inside the room.

“Let’s make a garden. Let’s make a fucking rose garden,” Joel agreed.

“Yes!” Ray punched his fists into the air excitedly as he helped Joel punch out the proper amount of space. Once the door was firmly in place, Ray walked out on to the grass courtyard that overlooked the rest of the area.

Happily taking sixty-four roses from his inventory, he began planting them in a neat crisscross pattern towards the farther end of the garden. Joel followed the pattern, planting roses closer to the door.

“Are we going to add a fence around it?” Joel questioned. Ray hummed underneath his breath in thought. Shaking his head, he planted the final rose in his row before turning to Joel’s character.

“No, let it be wild and free. Makes it kinda-.”

“Messy and different from the rigid structures of the towers,” Joel finished. Ray glanced at Joel, nodding his head even though he was sure that Joel couldn’t seem him. Regardless, he knew that Joel knew his answer as he watched him finish up the final rows of roses. “Okay, now that that’s done, we can go over here. I was thinking of adding another tower or a room.”

Joel’s words were lost to Ray as he watched the older man work on most of the tower that he wanted to build. He helped in some cases but he was mostly too busy watching. Joel looked so peaceful, here in his Minecraft world. It wasn’t something Ray was used to. Joel was actually still beside him, not moving his hands around or expressing anything really. It was an odd tranquility that Ray admired.

Before Ray could realize it, the two had spent hours building a tower with various rooms and gardens in it. Joel’s eyes were slipping from a tiredness that was all too familiar to him. It had been a long couple of months with Red versus Blue and the lack of sleep must have been finally catching up to him. Ray’s own body was fighting the sweetness of sleep. He had spent way too many hours on that damn plane and he was itching for rest.

“Let’s sleep,” Ray declared, shoving his controller on to the ground. Leaning back on the arm of the couch, he propped his feet on Joel’s lap and grabbed the blanket from the back of the couch. Cocooning himself inside, he raised his head to see Joel staring at him with a sad pout.

“Do I get to stay on the couch too?” Ray’s eyes narrowed in challenge as Joel switched the television off and set his controller on the coffee table. Joel grabbed the back of the couch, using as it as leverage as he kneeled on the couch and grabbed Ray around the waist. Ray would have squealed if it weren’t for the warm body that was now pressing behind him. Joel had managed to move him so that the older man was lying behind him, one arm wrapped around his waist and the other inching underneath the blanket that Ray had cocooned himself in. “Blanket,” he whispered. Sighing, Ray gave in and let Joel take most of the blanket.

“Asshole,” Ray murmured. A finger poked his cheek before a hand was ruffling through his shitty short hair.

“Bitch,” Joel retaliated. Shaking his head, Ray allowed himself to lean against Joel’s broad chest. The bony yet strong fingers that he had been admiring earlier were planted firmly on his waist, keeping him from falling off the couch. Ray felt strangely safe inside the older man’s hold. He didn’t question the warmth nor how strange it should have been to be snuggling against a much older co-worker on his couch.

No, he let it go because for once, he didn’t go to bed lonely and he relished in the feeling of it. There was no way he was going to break the silence, to bring up the glaring facts of how wrong this was. No, he just let himself slip into a well-deserved rest and forgot about everything else.

***

Warm. Ray was too warm. Rubbing at his eyes, Ray wiggled slightly only to feel a strong chest press closer to him. Hands were on his hips, resting there and twitching every few seconds. That was right. He and Joel had decided to sleep on the couch…together.

Glancing at the clock next to the television, Ray’s eyes widened when he saw that it was five o’clock. They had been asleep for seven hours, far beyond the usual amount of hours that Ray slept during the week. His body felt lax at the extra hours of sleep.

It made it difficult to move from Joel’s hold. But, oh, who was he kidding? He didn’t want to leave Joel’s hold because he was warm and he wanted to suffocate in that intoxicating smell. Those hands that were so huge gripped his waist like a protector gripped his lover before battle.

Ray had never felt such a feeling and his body had sunk into that feeling, nestled in it and made a home there. But he wasn’t supposed to feel like this. So, he gingerly wiggled out of Joel’s hold. The burn of the carpeted ground on his face woke him up further. He was stupid. Sometimes he really shouldn’t think because his heart was so goddamn foolish.

Shoving those thoughts down, Ray ignored Joel’s still sleeping form (and how goddamn hot his hair was and how his shirt was slipping down his chest and shoulders showing off a delicious collarbone and broad chest) for the overflowing shelves of games.

Ray sat in front of the shelves of video games, muttering underneath his breath as he took out the games and set them on the carpet in piles categorized alphabetically. He placed the game cases that Joel would use frequently, like Minecraft, and set them on the first row. Leaving a little bit of space in case Ray missed a few, he began placing the games in alphabetical order.

Once the games were in their proper places, Ray sat back and admired his work. The pretty spines glistened now that they were where they were supposed to be. Smiling and nodding proudly to himself, Ray rose from the floor. Still ignoring the sleeping man on the couch, he walked towards the bedroom.

One thing Ray had noticed about Joel’s apartment was that Joel kept the place relatively chilly and when they had fallen asleep on the couch, Ray figured out why. Joel was a goddamn heater in itself. His body radiated warmth like a nuclear bomb and…

And those thoughts weren’t really appropriate so Ray shoved them back down and opened the bedroom door. Opening each dresser, he soon found what he was looking for. Slipping the gray hoodie over his arms, he zipped it back up and walked towards the kitchen. If he had held the cloth to his nose, well, then that was just a coincident and didn’t really need analyzing.

Staring at the various cabinets, Ray opened several of the ones around the refrigerator until he found a box of macaroni and cheese. Opening the cabinet next to the stove, he pulled out a decent sized pot and filled it with water from the tap. Setting it on the burner, Ray stared at the various dials until he found the right one. Switching it on, he watched as the water began its boiling process. Once it was boiled enough, he tossed the noodles in.

To pass the time until the noodles were fully cooked, Ray thought of the various achievements that he had still yet to get on his main account. There were a few new indie games that he had to try. There was one that he was looking really forward to but the name had escaped him. As his mind struggled to remember the name, he nearly jumped when his phone went off.

Grabbing the device out of his pocket, he stared at the name of the caller before hitting the answer button. Pressing the phone to his ear, Ray paced around the kitchen.

“Hello, Ray, it’s your landowner. I was just calling to say that it might be another week until the cleaning crew is done with your apartment. If it’s any consolation, you will not have to pay for any of the damages if there are any,” his landowner spoke before Ray could even get a word in.

“Oh, well, that’s fine,” Ray answered, biting back the choice words that he wanted to tell the stupid person that started the whole thing.

“Okay, good, well, I’m going to call you once your apartment is finished.”

“That sounds good,” Ray agreed. The click of the phone on the other line echoed throughout his ear before he hit the end call button and slipped it back into his pocket. Sighing, he cursed everything imaginable before he smelled something burning.

“Shit!” Ray exclaimed. To his horror, the pot that was once cooking noodles at a glorious, leisurely pace had overflowed. Noodles were swimming in the mess, far too soft for it to be edible anymore. Boiling hot water poured over the edge of the stove, the sizzling sound enough to snap Ray into action. Grabbing the pot, Ray moved it to another burner.

“Is this you saying that you hate my kitchen?” a voice questioned. Spinning around, Ray began to speak but Joel covered Ray’s mouth with his hand, effectively stopping the numerous apologies that were begging to spill from Ray’s mouth. “I’m really proud of you, Ray. Burning noodles in water takes skill.” Joel let go of Ray, moving into the kitchen and assessing the damage.

“Skill, more like utter failure. The stocks do better then I do,” Ray grumbled. Joel laughed at his last comment, smiling as he set the pot in the sink and grabbed cleaning solution from the cabinet below the sink. Crossing his arms across his chest, Ray nearly beat his head in when he realized that he was still wearing Joel’s hoodie. “And I’ll wash this now so you can have it back,” he added as he looked down the hallway where a closet door leading to laundry hopefully was.

“Ray, you don’t need to do laundry. You didn’t even burn the kitchen down. I would have given you a medal if you did that,” Joel spoke, shaking his head at Ray’s attempts to help.

“But-.”

“It’s fine.”

And for once, Joel was giving Ray a confirmation. The two watched each other, neither backing down. Joel was holding the bottle of cleaning solution like a weapon, swaying it back and forth.

“That’s a shitty ass weapon. Now, where’s your laundry at?” Ray finally spoke. Relenting, Joel turned off the burner and dragged a towel around the burner to gain access to the puddle of boiling water surrounding it.

“Down the hall, across from the bedroom,” Joel spoke. When Ray turned his back, Joel smirked as he grabbed the spray bottle sitting next to the sink (he liked to think that it would come in handy one day – it was a strange thing to keep really but it always made for an interesting conversation leading to one of Joel’s most favorite topics; the end of the world). Pressing his finger against the trigger, he aimed the nozzle at the back of Ray’s head. “Bad kitty,” he reprimanded, snapping his canines as Ray turned around to stare at him with narrowed eyes. Snatching the water bottle from Joel’s hands, Ray sprayed Joel back. His frown couldn’t help but lift in a smile as Joel stared at him wide eyed while scrubbing his nose and eyes.

“That’s Tuxedo Mask kitten to you. I’m a classy as fuck kitten and I can do what I want,” Ray retaliated. His laugh echoed throughout the kitchen and hallway as he walked towards the laundry room. Joel watched him step out of the kitchen. He truly couldn’t help himself as he dug his thumbs into the pockets of his jeans like a shy school boy talking to his crush on the playground. Sometimes he wondered how Ray got so goddamn adorable.

Turning back to the stove, Joel returned to the mundane rhythm of his hands moving the towel around and cleaning the burner with the cleaning solution. Except this time, he couldn’t handle the stupid ministrations. Until he heard Ray singing, poorly and terribly off key, from the laundry room. And after listening for a bit, Joel joined him and smiled for once because that mundane rhythm became less mundane and more fun. Ray did this to him and Joel would be lying if he said he didn’t like the change.

It was hard to change, to jump into something unknown. It was like buying a stock without knowing a single thing about the company or not preparing for the future. Ray made him relax. Enjoy and relax, simply and easy.

And as the two sang to each other random songs, Joel found that he never really wanted Ray to leave. He was selfish to the core, wasn’t he? And he’ll always be selfish about that one thing because it was the one thing that he had always been searching for and now that Ray was there in front of him, he couldn’t help but grab on and never let go. Because Ray was his, goddamn it. In any way possible, Ray will always be his.

“I put the hoodie in the wash and I also put some other things in there that were scattered on your floor and in the basket,” Ray mentioned, snapping Joel from his reverie.

“That’s fine,” Joel whispered as he scrubbed at a particularly stubborn noodle. “I’ll make dinner in a few. You can go play something if you want.” Ray was quiet for a few seconds, simply watching Joel work on that damn noddle before nodding.

“Yeah, sounds good. Thanks, Joel.”

And with his footsteps echoing in his mind, Joel knew he was screwed. Stuck in free fall and wholeheartedly fucked.

***

One black sock.

And then a red one.

Ray held both socks up, shaking his head when he found that he had once again mixed up his and Joel’s laundry. He wasn’t too sure when it had started and maybe he was delirious but he was used to it by now.

It either was a sock, a hoodie and even one time boxers. Ray had to wash his hands after touching it and throwing it into Joel’s underwear drawer.

Just the fact that he knew what Joel kept in each drawer of the dresser in his room was a sign in itself that Ray kept throwing his and Joel’s things together in the wash. He would only notice when he would pull everything out of the dryer.

Well, it made it easier to clean, right?

Ray nodded to himself in agreement. Yes, it was easier for both of them really so long as he kept the colors sorted and the types of clothes in their proper piles, everything should be fine.

But it really, truly, definitely wasn’t.

Because when Ray went to Joel’s bedroom to put away the clothes, he would feel how warm Joel’s clothes were. Soon enough he was slipping on a hoodie and enjoying how the sleeves ran so far past his fingers that he could bunch the ends together to keep the heat in. Or to slap Joel with them. Either way, Ray was finding that mixing their clothes together wasn’t that big of a deal. Until someone started making accusations.

It began in the kitchen when he was getting coffee. Joel had just left him after grabbing himself a coffee and once again making sure that Ray wasn’t get any ideas about making dinner. They both knew how that would turn out.

Ray was simply mixing his sugar with the coffee, watching it swirl together and make the color lighter, like a kind of toffee. Or the color of Joel’s eyes when the light hit them just right.

“Isn’t that Joel’s?”

The question came from someone who knew if it wasn’t or was. So Ray was stuck frozen against the cabinets.

“Yeah, it is,” Ray answered simply. He shrugged nonchalantly as he bunched up the ends of the sleeves and wrapped the loose ends around the handle of the cup. Turning around, he rose one eyebrow at Jack who was staring at him as if he had suddenly grown a head or a tail of some sort.

“Alright, well…”

“How’s Joel in bed, Ray? I didn’t know you liked to shack it up with old men. Should’ve told me,” another voice interrupted. Ray furrowed his eyebrows as he shook his head at Michael’s addition to the conversation.

“I’m not-.”

“Oh, come on! Don’t deny!” Michael exclaimed. Wrapping his arms around Ray, he hugged the younger boy to his side. Ray pushed him away, frowning.

“Michael, I’m not with Joel. Jesus.” Stepping away from the two men, he exited the kitchen and returned to his desk. Setting his cup on the clean surface, he turned on his computer and sat down. Pulling his knees to his chest, he propped his arms on his knees and rested his cheek in the bunched up pile that was once two sleeves.

But the cloth smelled faintly of linen and coffee and cologne, cologne that was certainly not his own, and it was slowly making his eyes flutter shut in a strange haze. It was heady, more intoxicating than anything he had ever smelled. There was no way he could get used to this scent. Jesus, did Joel smell absolutely tantalizing. Ray wanted to shove the cloth into his system, somehow use it to patch up his heart and to etch it into his veins so he could smell it all the time.

“Joel must be pretty good in bed.”

Michael’s voice snapped him from his haze. Opening his eyes, Ray rubbed at his temples as he tried to break the trance of that scent.

“I told you, Michael,” he nearly snapped as he reached for his headphones. Michael’s stare screamed that he didn’t believe him in the least bit.

“Wait, what happened?”

“You and Joel, Ray?”

“You know, I thought something was up. You don’t rub someone’s face like that unless you want them.”

“So, that’s Joel flirting? You two are like a match made in Heaven.”

“That’s an odd turn on, Ray.”

Ray turned up the volume on his headphones, blasting music into his ears and drowning out the accusing voices surrounding him. They were teasing him over something fake, something so stupid that it would never happen in a million years. 

Until Ray realized what he was listening to and what he was doing and what they were doing all this time.

Because what was blasting in Ray’s ear was not his own music. It was Joel’s. And the hoodie that he was wearing wasn’t his. It was Joel’s. And the person who could make him feel better then playing games ever could was Joel.

Was it always Joel?

Ray thought back to the beginning, of when he first met Joel. It was an awkward first meeting, almost like tumbling over the crack in the sidewalk or over nothing.

Joel had stuttered some garbled form of his name and rubbed the back of his head in a nervous gesture that Ray had only seen once or twice since then. When Ray had quietly replied with his own name, they both looked each other straight in the eye and laughed.

It was an easy laugh, simple and warm, like a summer morning. Then Joel looked at his watch and apologized for the fact that he had to leave. The stocks were on and who knows if they were up or down but whatever happened, Joel needed to keep track of it.

He expected Ray to exclaim and complain about how he needed him to show him the company or something else. But Ray had just laughed, said something about how obsessed he was with stocks and told him it was fine to leave. Joel retaliated by bringing up Ray’s obsession with roses, which Ray simply shrugged off. Then Joel left with a final wave and that was that.

But there was nothing special there, right?

Was it always Joel?

Ray thought back to when he was in need of a place to stay. No one else had been in the office and the parking lot had been mostly empty. Why was Joel even there in the first place? Ray wasn’t quite sure but he was grateful that the older man was there and even happier with the fact that he was willing to take him in.

That first night was like their first meeting, awkward and unsure but they soon felt into their own pattern. Simple. Warm. The second night followed that same kind of pattern; different scenarios but it always ended the same.

Ray would curl up next to Joel and watch the finance channel or the news, sometimes both, with him for an hour before Joel switched it to his xbox and they would play a game or two. Sometimes they would build things in Minecraft and Ray would watch Joel’s lax expression and posture with something akin to admiration.

Ray liked it best when Joel was relaxed like that. It allowed Joel to have fun and to break away from the stresses that followed him whenever he was at work or doing something for work. Joel seemed happier too, with Ray by his side and a controller in his hand.

And holy shit.

Ray was goddamn stupid.

How many nights did he spend not really playing the game or helping Joel build but staring at him instead? How many new features and expressions did he discover during those nights? Well, too many to count, really.

There was just something about Joel and in the end, Ray knew it was always Joel.

A hand suddenly lifted his headphones, snapping him from his reverie. “Are you coming with us, Ray?” Michael screamed in his ear, blocking out the music and making Ray focus on him instead.

“Sorry, what?” Ray murmured. Michael pushed his headphones off his head, crossing his arms across his chest.

“Listen, I’m sorry I mentioned you and Joel and everything but I was wondering if you wanted to go with the rest of us for drinks. Most of the company’s coming.”

Even if the first thing Ray wanted to do was to jump into Joel’s arms and kiss the living fuck out of him, Ray couldn’t. No matter how many times Ray snuggled into the cloth of his hoodies and lost himself in that smell. No matter how many new things Ray noticed when staring at Joel when they were playing video games. It would all end the same way. There never truly was a possibility that Joel felt the same way.

Joel was older. He knew what he wanted and he certainly would not want someone like Ray to bring him down. Joel wasn’t too known for liking anybody anyway. It seemed he was incapable of such a feat so what would make Ray the only exception?

He wasn’t with Joel, past, future or present.

“Michael, I’m not with Joel. I really don’t know what I have to do to make you understand but we’re not together,” Ray finally spoke. Staring at his shoes, Ray noticed that he was wearing one of Joel’s socks. How did he not feel the difference in sizes? God was he truly that stupid?

“Oh, well…I just kind of figured that with you staying at his place that-.”

“My apartment’s still flooded and my landlord said nothing yet of it being cleaned out so, yes, I’m staying at Joel’s still. Platonically,” Ray spoke. Raising his head, he narrowed his eyes at Michael before sighing heavily. “And, yes, I’ll go.” Maybe if he had spent some time with the company, he would forget all about Joel and the strangeness that was the older man.

“Great! And, hey, I’m sure that everything will work out,” Michael spoke, adding a knowing wink for good measure before running after a squealing Gavin.

Ray watched the area where Michael had been standing before turning around in his chair. The cloth that was bunched around his fingers felt like it was burning him and the scent that surrounded him was a poisoned cloud.

Unzipping the hoodie, Ray slid it off his arms and stared at the faded logo on the right breast area. Digging his nails into the worn stitches, he sighed and slipped the hoodie back on. He was cold. Yeah, that was it.

Returning back to his screen and whirring Xbox, Ray immersed himself into a new indie game that had just come out and forgot about the pains in his heart.

***

The bar had a strange haze over it that reeked of alcohol. Everyone there seemed to have a reason to drink beyond their capable limits. And Joel? Well, he certainly had a good enough reason. That being Ray and the way he had been watching him.

Joel was ignorant in some cases, maybe a bit too blunt or stressed to see beyond irrational thought, but he certainly was not blind. He could feel Ray watching him all of the time, searching for something. But he was always too immersed in the rigid, mundane pounding of blocks or shooting at a zombie to question anything. And besides if he mentioned it to Ray, Ray would find somewhere else to live until his apartment was done. Everyone was back from New Years and Ray would have no reason to stay at his specific apartment. So, why, was he still there again?

That question didn’t really have an answer, at least not an answer that Joel wanted to think of at the moment. He was too busy slamming down shots like the world was ending and hanging off anybody that gave him the slightest bit of acknowledgement.

Ray was watching him from afar, in the safety of the booth that the company was sitting at. Or most of the company at least. He was squished between a clingy Gavin and a boastful Michael, both shouting at each other and him. Bets were exchanged and shots were being sloshed on to his clothes. Ray didn’t really mind it because his eyes were elsewhere.

They zeroed in on Joel as he wrapped his arms around a couple girls’ shoulders. Girls who had long, brown hair that shined in the dim lighting. Girls with eyes that were shrouded with sensual desire. And Joel’s eyes matched theirs. Narrowed and sparkling in a way that Ray would have deemed predatory. Like a shooter looking through a scope. He had his eyes locked on the swaying and giggling girls surrounding him. Ray really fucking wished that Joel would turn those eyes to him for once.

Tilting his glass of water to the side, Ray shivered when a few drops landed on his hand. Shaking the excess water off, Ray pushed Michael behind him and less then gracefully left the booth. Michael was shouting at him for moving him and Gavin was squealing when Michael chose him to exude his anger on by grabbing him around his neck.

Ray glanced once more at Joel over his shoulder before leaving the bar. A vibrating in his pocket snapped him from his thoughts. Pulling his phone from his pocket, he squinted at the name of the caller. Clicking the talk button, he pressed the metal device to his ear.

“Ray, this is your landlord. I’m sorry it’s so late but the cleaning crew just finished with your apartment. Your apartment should be as is and everything should be in its place. If anything is missing, tell me as soon as possible.” His landlord’s voice was, for once, a blessing because Ray needed an excuse to leave Joel’s. If he stayed any longer, he’d end up screaming or shutting down. And neither was a good response. All of those thoughts that he had been trying to push down were rearing their ugly heads.

“Thanks for getting it done. I’ll be there tomorrow morning,” Ray decided. His eyes followed the cracks in the sidewalk as he paced outside of the bar.

“Of course. See you then.” The click on the other side of the line echoed throughout Ray’s ear as he turned off his phone and slipped it back in his pocket. There was no use in staying around and thankfully the bar was close enough to Joel’s apartment that walking didn’t seem so bad. Glancing once more at the door to the bar, Ray turned on his heel and headed to the apartment.

When Ray had entered the apartment, he set the keys on the kitchen counter and walked towards the bedroom door. He hesitated a few moments before he decided that it truly was time to leave. He’d leave early enough in the morning so Joel in his hung over state wouldn’t be able to get up nor catch him leaving.

Repeating that mantra in his head, Ray pulled his suitcase from the corner of the room. Setting it on the bed, Ray turned to Joel’s dresser. Opening each drawer, Ray carefully sifted through each article of clothing for anything that was his. Throwing whatever was his into the suitcase, Ray shut each drawer and zipped the suitcase back up.

Lifting it from the bed, he set it on the floor. Before leaving, he smoothed out the sheets and tucked in the duvet cover. Fluffing the pillows and setting them in their proper places, he smiled at the newly made bed. Grabbing the suitcase handle, he dragged it into the living room and set it next to the couch.

Sitting down, Ray grabbed the blanket that was thrown carelessly over the couch this morning in Joel’s haste to get to work before six in the morning. Curling into a ball, Ray let his eyes flutter shut and waited for sleep to take him.

***

“Where’s Ray?”

So, maybe, asking Michael and Gavin that question wasn’t the smartest idea Joel ever had but the pair were the last to see him so he wasn’t entirely in the wrong. But the two boys were already to the wrestling stage and weren’t giving Joel the slightest bit of attention.

“He left awhile go,” a voice answered. Joel turned to see Geoff. The man was slightly swaying and the hand holding his beer shook but other then that, the man seemed more sober then usual. He smiled knowingly before nodding towards the door. “Well, go,” he coaxed. And, really, Joel didn’t need that much more of a push.

The girls that he was once hanging out with had soon found someone else to push themselves on to so he didn’t worry about them wanting him to stay. Glancing around the rest of the people in the bar, Joel sighed and rushed outside.

He was too busy drowning in things that didn’t revolve around Ray to even notice that the younger man had left. How much of a shitty person was he. They were friends, right? Were they really?

Joel dragged a hand through his hair as he stumbled in the general direction towards his apartment. He hadn’t drove, deciding that once he heard where the bar was that he and Ray would just walk there. It’d be easier for them both, Joel especially. But now…now he wanted to get to Ray as soon as possible and his stupid legs couldn’t walk any faster.

It took him a while to open the door to the building and to smash the correct fuzzy button on the elevator panel but he had done it. It was the most he had ever been capable of while drunk off his ass. Maybe it was Ray. He was the strangest kind of motivation.

Stuck in his sea of thoughts, Ray was an anchor.

Slamming his head against the elevator walls, Joel willed those thoughts away but they were persistent. His hands bunched into fists, pounding into the cheap plaster. Like the state of his heart, they throbbed now, red and bruised.

When the elevator thankfully dinged before Joel ended up using his feet instead of his hands to punish the walls, he rushed outside and into the silent hallway. He was sure that he was making too much noise but Ray was alone in the apartment and anything could happen to him while he was there alone.

Yes, Ray was certainly capable of handling his own. He suffered New York like a motherfucking champ but that didn’t stop the slow crawl of anxiety that threatened to break through the alcoholic haze in Joel’s mind. When was he ever this way?

Once he reached the appropriately numbered door, Joel shoved the key in the lock and twisted. At least Ray had the decency to lock the door. But there was such a thing as kicking down the door or going through an open window. Jesus, did he leave the window above the kitchen sink open?

Throwing the keys on to the ground, Joel glanced around the apartment and noticed that the blanket that he had thrown over the couch was now covering a sleeping body. Inhaling deeply, Joel walked into the living room, shuffling as quietly as he could in his state.

Kneeling on the ground, Joel leaned back against the coffee table and smiled when he saw that Ray was fine. He was sleeping on the couch, safe. God, what was he doing again?

The smile slipped into a frown in a matter of seconds. Joel rubbed at his eyes, digging his nails into the thin layer of skin. Bowing his head, he kneeled there like a broken man begging for salvation.

Turning his head, Joel’s breath stopped when he noticed the suitcase sitting next to the couch. He hadn’t seen that for weeks. Crawling towards the luggage, he unzipped it just a bit to peek inside. There were clothes inside, tucked more neatly then when they were put in.

“Shit,” Joel cursed. Zipping the suitcase back up, he tugged at his hair. He was sure he looked like a mess. Reddened eyes, messy hair, stumbling steps and a broken heart. He surely was a sight to behold.

When did he let everything slip away? When did he decide to settle into Ray’s company with a willing heart and a happy mind?

Digging his palms into the carpet, Joel rose from the couch. Glancing at Ray, Joel frowned when he saw that the younger man had forgone using a pillow. Shaking his head, Joel grabbed the pillow from the end of the couch and tucked it beside Ray’s head. The pillow looked better there anyway.

Turning on his heel, Joel stood outside his bedroom door. Nudging the door open with his toe, he sighed when he noticed that Ray had made the bed. But it looked too nice like that. Too much like how he was before Ray stumbled into his life. He didn’t want to be that person again. No purpose. Just stress. Nothing to do to quell it except to build and build some more until he was numb. Except he can’t build now. Because he’ll think of Ray. And that goddamn rose garden and those looks and everything in between.

Growling underneath his breath, Joel grabbed the edges of the duvet and tugged it off the bed. Ripping the sheets off of the mattress, Joel threw them on top of the duvet. The pillows were next to go and soon nothing was on the mattress at all.

Joel debated flipping the mattress too but he left it for now. Instead his focus turned to the papers on the desk and the clothes that were in neat piles in his dresser. Too neat. Everything was just too neat. Where was the mess? Where was his purpose?

Grabbing the stack of papers, he flung them into the air and watched them dance and settle on to the piles of sheets. It was satisfying seeing the papers loose and free. Opening the drawers, Joel sifted through everything he owned before he found his hoodie, the one that Ray borrowed on the first night he was here.

It still smelled faintly of him, a strange mixture of a sweeter cologne and something distinctly Ray. It even had a bit of a burnt smell to it from when Ray tried to make dinner and completely failed at it.

Laughing at the memory, Joel slipped on the hoodie and rested on the piles of bedding on the floor. His room was messy and Ray was leaving. Nothing was right but the alcohol was sending him further into a spiral and soon he was knocked out like a light.

***

When Ray woke up that morning, he could already begin to feel the weight of the day crashing over him. Draping the blanket that he used as a make shift cocoon last night around his shoulders, Ray stood from the couch and shuffled into the kitchen. Sitting there in front of the door, however, was Joel’s keys. Frowning, Ray wondered when Joel had entered the apartment and how much Joel had to drink in order to drop them. Setting the keys next to his own pair, he glanced around the kitchen before he saw the bottle of pain killers.

Filling a glass with water, he grabbed the bottle and shook out two into his palm. He would give this to Joel and then leave the apartment. For good. He’s going to grab his suitcase and leave his set of keys. For good.

Biting his bottom lip, Ray pulled the blanket closer and walked towards Joel’s bedroom door. Pushing the door open, Ray stepped inside the room only to step back into the hallway.

“Holy fucking shit,” Ray gaped. He would have dropped the glass of water and pills if the dresser wasn’t there for him to set them on.

The room was completely demolished. Clothes spilled over open drawers, sheets and blankets were tangled together with a hung over Joel on top of them. Kneeling beside the still sleeping mass, Ray frowned.

Was this what it was like for Joel on a daily basis? What made him lash out like this, though? Sure Joel had his moments but he always found a way to remain in check, to be in control again. What made him loose control like this?

Ray decided right then and there that fuck his apartment, fuck his feelings, Joel needed him. Friend to a friend and he’d be a shitty friend if he just left Joel in this state.

“Joel, man, wake the fuck up,” Ray called. Grabbing the older man’s broad shoulders, Ray shook him. When there was no response, Ray stood and grabbed the glass of water. Dumping it on the messy mop of hair, Ray smiled triumphantly when the older man snapped awake.

Sitting upright, Joel coughed and brushed at his now damp hair. Whipping around, he turned to find Ray, hovering above him with a mostly empty glass of water and two pills.

“What the fuck happened, man? I’ve never saw somebody loose their shit like this.”

If Ray could make sudden decisions, so could Joel.

Inching forward, Joel narrowed his eyes in that predatory kind of way that made Ray shiver. The younger man’s eyes widened when muscled arms wrapped around his waist, pulling him forward.

“You should know. You did this,” Joel spoke. Ray’s hands grabbed at Joel’s t-shirt, bunching and wrinkling the fabric. Joel was too close to him. But Joel simply pulled him closer until their foreheads were touching.

Joel smelled too much like the bar but Ray could still smell that heady, intoxicating scent of his. It drove him mad as he leaned closer into the older man’s presence. Joel’s hands pressed firmly against the curve of his back, tracing his spine and dragging his nails through his shortened hair. Biting his bottom lip, Ray surged forward.

Their lips met softly, a barely there kind of pressure that made Ray sigh and Joel smile. He felt like he was falling into the soft and chapped skin. There was not a greater peace then this. His brain wasn’t whirring with thoughts and his heart barely even pounded.

Panic didn’t seep through his veins, didn’t coat him in its harsh ugliness. Ray was pulling him from the bottom and to a high that Joel never knew existed. Moving his hands from Ray’s botched hair and back to his own hands, he felt the smooth skin and tinier fingers grip his own.

Ray truly couldn’t move except for grabbing Joel’s hands and even that movement was hard. He was trembling, unsure of how to feel as something burst inside of him. Like a tsunami crashing against the shore, he gripped on to Joel for safety. Leaning closer, he almost whined when he realized that he couldn’t in their current position. It was unfair, how close Joel was and yet how damn far away he was.

A strong hand held tightly to his jaw, tilting his head slightly to the left. Bunched clothes still clutched tightly in one hand while another were interlaced with Joel’s. Lips still pressed together in a tender pressure that lasted just as long as it took for them to fall for each other.

Too soon were they pulling a part but they remained close to each other, breathing in the other and staring, simply gazing with wide eyes and a heated stare. From one little kiss that lasted barely seconds, Ray was drowning and soaring in everything that was Joel. But then that was the thing. He always was.

Joel’s mind clicked into place, scattered puzzle pieces slotting together. It was a satisfying feeling being complete.

“So, I did all this?” Ray breathed.

“You drive me insane,” Joel whispered. It was a simple answer that made Ray kiss his cheek. Lingering over the skin, Ray laughed. He dragged his hands around Joel’s shoulders, slotting his fingers together as he hooked his arms over Joel’s neck.

“I like it here, in this weird world of yours.” Ray smiled as Joel kissed his cheek and then his nose. It was too cheesy, something cutesy that he wasn’t used to but Joel was warm and tender and he wouldn’t have it any other way because it was Joel.

“Good because I’m really hungry,” Joel muttered. Ray frowned, unhooking his arms and socking the older man in the shoulder.

“Mood killer,” Ray grumbled as he untangled himself from Joel and standing.

“It’s what I’m best at.” Ray peered at the older man. He was sitting cross legged in a messy pile of sheets and blankets with an expression so content that it almost made Ray blush, if he was ever willing to admit that. The man’s hair was messy and Ray wanted nothing more but to tug at those crazed strands and to braid them together when Joel wasn’t paying attention. He wanted to curl into his strong chest, press his palms against his heart beat and be lulled to the sound of it combined with the monotone voices of news anchors or the screaming of numbers on the finance channel. He wanted to kiss that smile away and to laugh with him when Joel would tease him.

He wanted that and everything else that came with being wholeheartedly Joel’s.

“I heard bacon’s a good cure for hangovers,” Ray suggested finally as he turned on his heel to move towards the kitchen. Before he could move a single inch, arms were wrapping around his waist. Hands laid flat against the cloth of his shorts that Ray was wearing, a thumb digging into his hip and his index finger teasing the hem. The action was already practiced, something just simply them.

Ray leaned back into Joel’s chest, smiling widely when one of Joel’s hands moved to rest against the curve of his cheek. Poking at his glasses, Ray couldn’t help but laugh. Joel’s own laughter echoed against his own, a strange combination of sounds that fit together in the most amazing way.

“That sounds delicious, Ray.”

Reluctantly breaking the warm embrace, Ray walked towards the kitchen. Joel followed him, moving around him to get access to the coffee machine. The clattering of pans and the whirring of the coffee machine was a nice clash of sounds that made Joel feel oddly at home. He hadn’t had anyone cook in the kitchen with him or for him for that matter in years or ever really.

“You’re creepily staring, Joel,” Ray remarked as he turned on the proper burner. Spraying the pan, he set it on the warming surface and reached around Joel to open the refrigerator. Joel grabbed him around the waist and pulled him forward. “Hi, Joel,” Ray whispered.

“Hi, Ray. Now, why can’t I stare at my gorgeous boyfriend, hm? Is that such a crime?” Joel moved his hips slightly so that they pressed into Ray’s. Biting his bottom lip, Ray shook his head, detaching himself from his…boyfriend?

“Boyfriend, Joel? You move kind of fast,” Ray spoke, ignoring Joel’s stare and his previous comments for the package of bacon. Unwrapping the plastic, he shuffled the bacon pieces into the pan and watched as they sizzled and popped.

“I thought we were together from the moment we met. Just was too much of a fool to see it.” Ray froze against the stove. He was thinking the same thoughts last night, just was too much a fool to see that Joel felt the same way. They were both foolish but love made people blind. And what they had was so easy that they fell into it without a conscious thought.

“We both were but…everything’s good now,” Ray responded. His response was sort of stupid in its lack of sentiment and the tenderness that Joel somehow seemed to carve his words with. But Joel knew what he meant. He could see it in the way Ray kissed him, could see it in those damn looks of his, could see it in the way his body responded to his so easily, could feel it in the pounding of his heart. Joel knew because he understood Ray. And no one else was truly able to do that.

Ray was always the kid who willingly sat in the corner of the room because people were just shitty. There wasn’t really anyone who could understand his humor or forgive his sometime selfish or attention starved actions. He was the kid who sat in the dark late at night to perfect something that was honestly too trivial to explain to people. He woke up alone, cold. He went to bed, cold.

Roosterteeth changed his mentality. He saw that he could have friends who understood those parts of him, called him out on his shit and understood his gamerscore and odd love for roses. Then Joel came along and he realized that he could have a lover understand him like that and all of the other things that were uniquely him that he had kept hidden for years.

“Yeah, everything’s perfect,” Joel murmured. Smiling softly, he kissed Ray’s cheek and relished in the blush that coated the skin afterwards. “I’ll go put finance on.”

“Okay, this will be done in ten minutes,” Ray answered. Kissing Joel’s cheek back, he nudged the man towards the living room. Joel disappeared from the room, albeit a bit reluctantly but eventually he turned the television on and switched the channel to the right one.

“We can probably leave at nine since no one’s probably going to get in until later,” Joel called. Ray checked the clock, rolling his eyes when he saw it was only seven.

“That works for me,” Ray agreed. Grabbing a spatula from the holder on the counter, he moved the bacon around until they were brown and crispy. Turning the stove off, he moved the pan to one of the unused burners. Lifting the bacon with the spatula, he dumped the pieces on to a paper plate. Using a paper towel, he dabbed at the excess grease before sliding the pieces on to a plate.

Grabbing a coffee cup, Ray filled the cup to the brim. Adding half and half and one sugar, he stole a quick sip before grabbing it and the plate and walking into the living room. Once his footsteps were heard, Joel sat up.

“Bacon,” he called in a near perfect whine. Rolling his eyes, Ray handed him his coffee first.

“Coffee first. Then bacon.” Sitting beside the older man, he smiled when Joel grabbed him around the waist with his free hand, pulling him over the seam of the couch and into his side.

“Fine. Kiss?” Shaking his head, Ray kissed Joel’s pout away before pointing to the coffee. Snapping a piece of bacon in half, Ray stuck the bigger part into his mouth and turned his head towards the television. There was a guy showing charts of prices and companies. All of it was garbled into one unit of confusion that made Ray narrow his eyes.

Frowning, Joel watched Ray chew at the bacon in his mouth as he sipped at the coffee. Smirking, Joel leaned forward and latched on to the end of the piece of bacon in the younger man’s mouth, effectively stealing it and chewing it triumphantly.

“Joel!” Ray exclaimed, slapping the older man’s bicep. Laughing, Joel flashed Ray a smile full of canines that made butterflies stir inside his stomach.

“You’re pretty damn cute when you’re angry.” Handing the plate of bacon over, Ray huffed.

“Asshole.”

“Bitch.”

And it was easy how the insults flowed from their mouths and how they worked with each other. For Joel, if the things that somehow grounded his brain were the only things allowed to be messy, then Ray was always made to fit into his life. 

Perfect and easy.


End file.
